Knock off the Knockoffs

Not long ago I was guided to a particular website that essentially was a Chinese form of eBay.  I looked around, but it quickly became shockingly obvious that something was amiss on this site.

For example, $80 iPod Phones.  $200 “American Made” Custom Stratocaster guitars.  Ah yes, counterfeit merchandise…all at the touch of your sinful little fingertips!

I even had a chance to see one of the gadgets up close from a co-worker who was quite proud of his “iPhone” aquisition.  On the surface, it was a total copy right down to the Apple logo.  The interface however, was complete crap. The icons were way off, the touchscreen unresponsive unless you applied Hurculean pressure, and the ability to sync with iTunes non-existent.  Just forget about the App Store.  That didn’t seem to bother the purchaser though because it was a “deal”.  In a way I feel bad for him because he never saw a real iPod touch.  If he had he’d probably throw his fake through a window.

And yet another person is buying a guitar.  Being exceedingly talented at making barely tolerable music on guitar myself, I was intrigued.  After all, why wouldn’t I want a EVH MusicMan or Custom Fender Strat for a fraction of retail?  Can’t be THAT bad right?

Then I woke up out of my fantasy.  It certainly can be.

It’s bad enough that our jobs are leaving the country, but I find it unfortunate that we’re selling out our local businesses to instead buy a knockoff of shockingly inferior quality.  That counterfeit iPhone is not from Apple. Those cheap glasses frames do NOT look like the real ones.  And the closest that Fender guitar is to a real one stops at the fake logo.  The vertically mounted pickups in the picture may also be a slight giveaway!

And oh yeah…don’t forget the warranty.  As in you’ll get none.

People who argue the dark side argue for cost.  I counter with 2 points: quality and loyalty.  Quality in the product and loyalty to ones economy.  It doesn’t cost much more to get the real deal when you think of what you’re actually getting.

I’m still saving up for my Made in America Stratocaster, and someday when my playing reaches a point where people no longer cover their ears in horror, I shall reward myself accordingly!  It will cost a bit more, but it will be the real deal.  And above all it will be made by an employee in my economy.

Where possible, save a job next door.

The End of Emergent

My father-in-law is a beekeeper, and not that long ago I was forced at gunpoint to help round up honey from billions of seriously angry insects.  As fun as this sounds ( and getting stung is the FUN part ), I also had the opportunity to talk with a few of the “younger” church folk who where also in his employ.

When you’re around me, the subject is going to go one of three ways…politics, religion, and pop-culture.  That’s why I go solo most of the time!

So we talked about the Emergent church.  What it is and what it’s becoming.

I also talked with people in my own church who are/were associated with the movement.  Putting the two together, I’m starting to get a foretaste of what is surely to come:

The emergent church is dying.

To illustrate, think of a young, idealistic University student who goes out and votes NDP ( or Democrat ), is politically active and wants to tax the rich imperialistic fat-cats.  Time passes. They graduate, get a job, vote Conservative/Republican, buy a Dodge Caravan and bitch about their taxes.

So it is with the Emergent movement.  What is killing it is simple…it is maturity.

Sitting in coffee shops reading poetry, meditating on the “face of Jesus”, and having theology more watered down than American beer will only keep you going so long.  Idealism rocks when you’re young.  It totally sucks as an adult.  Emergent ideology runs contrary to basic logic and is becoming just another damn headache nobody needs.  While absolutes are toxic to a younger mind, they are the only reason we old late 30-ish farts get up in the morning.

More and more, people who used to be gung-ho for the movement would now rather not talk about it in much the same way some guy would like to forget that the pretty girl at the bar he was winking at was actually a dude.  Flirting with a counterfeit has no payoff.  Like the 60’s movement, it’s all coming to nothing.

So what next?  The post-emergent movement is beginning to look much like the evangelical Christians they took up positions against.  Growing up, having kids and a job will do that to you.  Sure, we play more overdrive guitars in church now ( I’m hip with that jive.  That’s what the kids say right?  Totally dope. Word up. ), but the theology is coming home to a well balanced and rooted doctrine based on the Bible, not subjective experience.

The 15 minutes of fame of Brian McLaren, Scot McKnight, Rob Bell, and countless other Emergent wagon-jumpers is just about over.  Whereas a few years ago a rallying cry of “Who’s with me?!” would get and stadium of cheers, it won’t be long before all that is heard are the sounds of crickets to the backdrop of a rolling tumbleweed.  The theology-de-jour of the emergent movement has paved the path to its own demise.

The prodigal son is returning home.

Thanks to http://www.spurgeon.org/~phil/posters.htm for the Emergent motivational posters!

REVIEW: Pimsleur Hebrew I

About a year ago I told myself that if I was actually serious with myself about learning Hebrew, I had better get things going.  Not getting any younger and all that!

I started with some literature from First Fruits of Zion and online goodies from the Hebrew for Christians website, but that wasn’t entirely the path I was interested in.  I wanted modern Hebrew.  I wanted something where I could listen to a Hebrew podcast and then let loose a precocious laugh in front of people who couldn’t get the joke.  In short, if I wanted to be an upper middle-class twit, I had to do better than this.

So next up was Rosetta Stone.  But this too was disappointing.  While it is a good program, it does not teach how to use sentence structures and would only be handy if I wanted to point at an apple and say “tapooach” like some Quasimoto idiot tourist.

Then I found the Pimsleur approach.  While expensive, I had the luxury of getting it from my community library, so it was ultimately free for me.  Finally, I think I’m onto something here.  The Hebrew series comes in 3 volumes ( vol 3 has just been released ).  As of now, I’m just a few days shy of completing volume one.

Right up front, this alone will not make anyone fluent, so lower your expectations of being a UN translator.  You’ll be able to ask where the bathroom is, greet people, ask for stuff, and count.  Slowly. Take it from a  guy who’s been watching a lot of Hebrew movies ( love “Giv’at Halfon Eina Ona“…with subtitles! ), these folk talk fast.   But really, who said anyone could learn a language in just a couple months right?

Pimsleur teaches with repetition, and constantly throws old lessons back at you to keep your brain working.  Although my speech speed is nothing like a native Israeli ( perhaps one who has had 10 shots of tequila ) , I can begin to formulate simple sentences.  And I would say that one should not expect more in such a small amount of time.

It is probably worth mentioning that this is only an audio course, and as such there is little to no ( in volume 1 anyway ) written or reading work.  This is unfortunate because written material that is on par with the audio would be awesome.  But as it is, that is something that will require additional effort on your part to remedy.  Thankfully, you can learn the alef-bet and all the vowels by watch YouTube instructionals.  The rest is practice.

So now I eagerly await to begin Volume 2.  And then 3.

My goal?  To argue with an Israeli taxi driver!  Haggle in the marketplace for something I probably didn’t want to buy in the first place.  Or better yet, live dangerously and share the gospel with a group of Orthodox Yeshiva students!

I may also want to brush up on being able to dodge stones…

The Ties That Bind

Lately I’ve been hip deep in books.  Prophecy, church life, language study, and even some good old comics!  Perhaps my cerebral cortex is mutating from too much Ginseng Tea.  I’ve heard stuff like that can happen in lab rats.

One pile I’ve been staring at for a while is a stack of parenting books.  And by staring, I mean gazing at with red hot Kryptonian eyes that burn with so much hatred it literally sears my insides.  These are the books you love to hate.  They promise so much, yet deliver so little.

It wasn’t always this way mind you.  When my wife and I had our firstborn, we were certifiable experts.  Oh yeah baby, we like…had totally read some of these, y-know…like, books that had all the answers.

We grew out of that delusion soon enough.

After having two…then three kids ( with plans for 4 because world domination takes WORK pal ), it has become patently clear that we have absolutely no idea what we’re doing.  If someone asks me for parenting advise, I just slap them in the face and tell them they should know better than to ask me.  Great Scott…think of your children before you ask just ANYONE!

If I had to say one thing about books by “Parenting Experts”, it’s how easy it is to be an expert AFTER the fact.  And even then, only on your own kid.  Fifteen years from now I could write my own book about raising kids in society. I think I’ll call it, “What are YOU Lookin’ At JackAss?”.  I can already smell the money rolling in… But while I must concede that there are indeed very good books on parenting available, the fact remains they are pearls of wisdom in the ocean of quick fixes and dumb advice.

Kids are not really an exact science as much as they are a Jekyl and Hyde social experiment that you only partially control.  A little sugar, some spice, a pinch of Plutonium-239 and some puppy dog tails…and most importantly, the combined DNA of Mom and Dad.  Every day me and the better half try to find the balance in bringing up the young Dysfunctional Parrotlets so they can not only grow up physically and academically, but confidently take over as the next generation.  And perhaps most importantly, change my diaper when I get old.

Despite the promises of so many,  there is not a shrink on the planet that can present to anyone a “normal” child.  Everyone has been given a label resulting in a population of navel-gazers who pay big bucks to be fixed by the very people that give the labels.  We obsess to the extreme, and spend so much time trying to fix things that don’t matter instead of enjoying the great things that do.

After flipping briefly through a book called “Having a New Kid by Friday” by Kevin Leman, I am interrupted by the “Braveheart” screams of my three children running throughout the house.  My 4 year old daughter then takes a running jump into my midsection ( shows she at least heard my “don’t hit Dad in the testicles” talk ), while my eldest son and baby girl laugh hysterically on the sidelines.  The blue-eyed human cannonball then looks up at me and says “I love you Daddy”, steals a kiss and runs off.    Later that night, once I’ve calmed them down with elephant tranquilizers, they go to bed after thanking Jesus that he blessed us with so much fun things to experience.

Given the option to try and change that, I do the only thing I can.

I toss the book in the garbage.

BOOK REVIEW: “A Case for Amillennialism” by Kim Riddlebarger

Heretics!  Deceived by Satan!  Heathens!  Catholic dogs! Well, I made that last one up.  A Jehovah’s Witness called me that once and I’ve been dying to use it for years.   But wow…when you do a search on amillennialism, you certainly get strong opinions!

I’ll be the first to admit that prior to reading “A Case for Amillennialism” by Kim Riddlebarger, I really didn’t know anything about the view.  It’s fairly easy to encounter people in the pre/post mill camps, and both will readily inform you that you need not look at “that amillennialist” view as it was only for liberals, heretics and weak Christians who have handed the pink slip of their souls to the Whore of Babylon.

This book will kill those arguments.

Before I continue on, I should mention ( again ) that I personally am not an Amillennialist.   My eschatological views fall somewhere within a “Pre-Wrath” framework, but I am also not a dispensationalist either.  Pre-tribulationism in my humble view, is a total fantasy. That having been said, I was simply amazed how this book completely decimated the popular notion that the amillennialist view is somehow a liberal non-literalist interpretation.  On the contrary, I found that Kim Riddlebarger was able to share his views in a very Biblical manner and is probably the most articulate writer regarding end-times study that I perhaps have ever read.

The idea that we are currently living in the “millennium” as described in Revelation 20 was a curious thing to hear and I was quite eager to see what the case for such a view would be.  Suffice to say, the case is one that deserves to be heard.  What I learned quickly is that this view suffers from one thing in particular…bad press.  Perhaps some of it deserved, much of it not.   Ironically, the most aggressive criticism comes from the likes of Hal Lindsay and Jack Van Impe…individuals who should be the LAST people anyone should get advise from regarding prophecy!

The author comes from the view of a former pre-millennialist, and readily admits his difficulty in switching gears.  Much of the book debates against current pre and postmillenial viewpoints which is understandable considering their popularity.   What is refreshing to read is the authors ability to refute opposing arguments without ad-hominem attacks and circular reasoning so prevalent in the current popular views.

In what felt like an added bonus, the author even had a section dealing with possible problems with the Amillennialist view.  Good luck finding THAT kind of honesty in any Tim LaHaye book!

It doesn’t matter if you subscribe to this view or not…you owe it to yourself to learn what it is about simply to make yourself more informed.  Because in all honesty, many have dismissed this view without even having a clue what it has to say for itself.

So did this book convince me?  No…and yes. Let’s just say that it certainly has given me something to think about in certain areas.  For that reason alone it was worth the cover price.  What it did convince me of is that Amillennialism deserves to be at the table of prophecy discussion.  Perhaps as much as anyone.  Certainly more than most.

5 Feathers out of 5.

H1N1 Vaccine Shortage Plays On Human Nature

Whether the shortage of H1N1 vaccine is real or artificial, the ultimate outcome is still good for the drug companies.  People begin to “panic buy”, and demand increases. Cha-ching.

The simple psychology of it all is fascinating.  The easiest way to make everyone want something its to create a shortage ( or at least take advantage of it ) and then have the audacity to tell them they must wait.  It likens me to a time when parents were climbing over each other to get a Cabbage Patch Kid at 5x retail price, only to have them readily available a short time later at a substantial discount.  For you younger viewers, think Playstation 3.

Thus we have people acting like Arnold Shwarzenegger in “Jingle All the Way” fighting for the last H1N1 flu shot as if their very lives depended on it.  Problem is, the media is telling them that very thing.

My wife had a good laugh as she saw lineups wrapped around buildings of elderly folks camping out in lawn chairs in sub-zero temperatures desperate to get their H1N1 shot.  Half of them will likely die of pneumonia!

A few weeks back me, my family and many co-workers were dropped with a nasty flu.  It is quite likely that we had H1N1 seeing as it making it’s way around these parts.  I took a couple days off work, relaxed, read a book and was able to get back in the saddle after some rest.  Another touchdown for the immune-system!

Look, if you’re 85 years old and fear a stiff wind then maybe a flu shot isn’t such a bad idea considering your shaky constitution.  But when average people who are in at the very least “acceptable” physical condition are complaining to health care authorities that they should be able to “handle this panic better”, then I must shake my head in a little disgust.

Once this flu has passed, be prepared for the next big scare.  Global warming, terrorism, nuclear Iran, a new Brittany Spears album…there are plenty of things to be afraid of.  Just don’t take on more than you can handle!

Halloween Fading Away

Like John Cougar, I too was born in a small town.  It was a place where many a kid could go door to door unescorted to obtain loot without worrying about some pervert trying to ruin the day.  It also was an opportunity to test out my running skills as I fled down main-steet like a shell-shocked Commando while dodging eggs that were being hurled from multiple dark corners.  Indeed, the best of times.

Have to admit though, our family doesn’t do Halloween anymore.

It’s not that I’m some crusader against the holiday or anything.  Personally I have no problem if someone wants to dress up as Bruce Campbell from the Evil Dead or if a co-worker wants another excuse to wear his tailored Star Trek klingon uniform.

I guess as far as my household is concerned, we’ve just sort of moved past it.

Often times I lament how Christianity as a whole has abandoned biblical festivals, yet replaced them with rather hollow traditions.   As our family moved towards a more “Levitical” holiday schedule, we just don’t seem to have the desire to add the meaningless man-made stuff.

Or perhaps it’s the “commercial holiday of the month” that makes me revolt.  It gets tiresome being told another reason to buy something I neither need nor want.

But most likely it is our “kosher”-Christian living added to the fact that we’re also unbearably annoying health hippies.  Really, I feel terrible when people invite us over as we might as well ask for a plate of Eucalyptus leaves and juice from a pomegranate to wash it all down.   The me of 15 years ago would look at my current self and think what an insufferable high-maintenance pain I’ve become!  Plus if I eat chocolate my face transforms into a horrid puss-ridden mess that would make Doctor Doom recoil in horror.

The hey-day of Halloween is long past and in all likelihood is on life support merely by department store advertising efforts.  It is also unlikely they will concede defeat anytime soon and let the holiday disappear into the trash-bin of history lest it affect sales.

I just done my part by letting it all go.

H1N1 and The Irrelevance of the Media

I can’t go ten minutes without hearing about it.  H1N1.  It’s a total pandemic alright…a pandemic of absolute irrational panic! My goodness, out of 5 Billion humans there must be…hundreds of cases.  Truly, we are doomed.

I’ll admit it right here…I work in news media.  Well, technically I’m not a journalist per se as much as I’m the “man behind the curtain” who must maintain the network of misinformation.  It’s a paycheck. But I’ve seen enough to know that investigative journalism died years ago.

In other words, I’m just as qualified as any reporter.  Odds are you are too if you can use Google.

Any rational person knows that the truth doesn’t sell.  We can’t handle the truth nor do we want to.  We want something small and tangible that we feel we might have some control over.  It becomes a coping mechanism we use to avoid coming to grips with how utterly on the brink we are as a society.  Ah man, you see…that’s what happens when I watch “V for Vendetta” back to back with Battlestar Galactica.  Get me some Weird Al…stat!

Do we really want relevant news?  For example…Iran.  La la la…  Or the genocides in Africa?  Or maybe Obama attempting to shut down portions of the news media that don’t throw roses at his undeserving feet.  Holy 1984 Batman…

Nope, we want the latest on the flu.  We want “balloon boy”.  It’s unfortunate really.  Unfortunate that we are caught in a circle where we claim to lament the demise of the media, yet have no desire to support a relevant journalistic society.  Maybe because one no longer exists.

And the media has done it to itself too.  Meaningless stories, and “reporters” who are as relevant as a gnats fart in a hurricane are constantly trying to work against an ever increasing and much deserved public skepticism.  Investigative journalism is now nothing more than using an internet search engine.

So my advise on H1N1?  Wash your blasted hands ya filthy pigs and don’t lick any door knobs. Eat right and exercise.  And if by some mathematical fluke you actually do get H1N1, try and remember a time when the flu was considered simply an INCONVENIENCE, not a death sentence.  Just don’t give me any of that Spanish Flu fear tactic drivel, because I haven’t dumped my feces into an open sewer lately or tried living solely on potatoes.  Well, not since college anyway.

Obama Gets the Big Prize. Umm…Why?

Surprise! Obama gets a Nobel Prize.  I certainly hope I’m not the only person asking the eternal question…

…why?

According to the unbiased and professional media, Obama was awarded for his “extraordinary efforts to strengthen int’l diplomacy and cooperation between peoples;” and vision of a nuke-free world.  Well if that isn’t a bunch of baloney, then why am I holding two pieces of bread?

After breaking into Santa’s secret lair and immobilizing him with a rhino tranquilizer ( the guy just wouldn’t go down no matter how hard I hit him with a tire iron ), I checked out the list of good deeds for Obama, and thus far I have nuffin’ really positive to work with.

1) The US economy still stinks. In fact it is worse off because America essentially printed more money and got further in debt.  Sorry folks, but the payback is going to be a killer when it comes around to pay that bill.

2) The US is still at war. Iraq and Afghanistan haven’t changed much as we’re still spending billions on high-tech munitions to fight a guy with a IED strapped to the back of a camel.  That and the disturbing fact that these people seem to WANT to live in chaos, and have no interest in helping themselves.

3) Iran is still building “da-bomb”. If I was an Israeli I’d be pulling my hair out right now with all the inaction taking place.  Iran is going thermo-freaking-nuclear and Obama would rather pitch for the Chicago Olympics?  Even today Iran threatened to “blow the heart out of Israel”.  Help me out here…somebody.

4) Middle Eastern talks amounted to less than if I got on a plane to Israel and had lunch at Denny’s with PM Netanyahu and whatever scumbag runs Hamas these days.  Actually, if it was me doing the peace talks we’d be settling the issue like Stephen Seagal in a bar beating on Abbas with a set of pool cues.   Trust me folks, that kind of stuff is good old school diplomacy.

I can’t shake the notion that if George Bush was still in power, we’d be in the exact same place we are now.  Crummy economy, questionable wars and the usual Middle Eastern fare.  Yet Obama gets a Nobel Prize?

I have my own theory on why.  It’s because he’s not George Bush. Because the entire world thinks Dubbya is a weiner, they’re just so elated to give the next man in charge some sort of token of their undying respect.  Because aside from that, President Obama really doesn’t deserve this kind of recognition in the least.

My advise for the Nobel Prize committee…get some general criteria in place besides highly proficient skills with a teleprompter.  Because right now the credibility of the Nobel Prize is about on par with that online ordination I got a few years back.

Letterman Confesses

I’m not really a huge fan of Letterman.  But neither am I antagonistic towards the man.  I guess I see him in much the same way I see a…I dunno, a tire on the side of the road.  I think my apathy towards Dave happened around the time I had kids, and late-night television became a thing of the past lest I join the ranks of the walking dead next workday.

But Dave has gotten himself into another mess, although it seems to be from antics done some time ago with certain female staff members.  And by antics, I mean chic-a-bow-bow.

Now while I’m neither going to take the “Dave is a godless hell-bound sinner destined to rot eternally” approach nor the “Dave’s just a good guy at heart and God is just so full of ooey-gooey grace”, I still feel some moral stance is warranted.

One, Dave eventually did the right thing.  He came clean.  Granted, he had little choice given the extortion plot by CBS Producer Robert Halderman.  But at least he disclosed all and took an offensive posture instead of being bombarded by reporters much like the aftermath of another “family-man” parasite pinstriped politician who denies banging his 17 year old intern.

And finally, nobody really held Mr. Letterman in high moral regard anyway.  Let’s be honest, 99% of the Hollywood elite are amoral, self absorbed attention whores at best.  The fact that Dave admitted to wrongdoing puts him on moral high ground compared to most of his “who me?” guests.  People love to see a hero fall, but this was probably a lateral move at worst in the eyes of the public.

To quote the Bible, “your sin will find you out” applies here well.  It really does. For me it takes a physical avatar in the form of my wife.  She’d find me out for sure, so I might as well fess up to any wrongdoings.  Like the time I said I would check the basement rooms before bedtime and I didn’t…busted.  Or the time I said there was no more cereal, but what I really meant was there was only enough left for me. Sorry.

Many are slapping Dave on the back and giving him the “you’re only human” speech and I can only half agree with that.  While stoning him in the public square would be improper ( yet totally entertaining in a medieval sense ), I also cannot say it should be brushed off and relegated to “the past”. That’s not good advise.

I’m sure Dave is dealing with this with his family, and people need to understand that this is indeed a situation that requires drastic action.  Jokes are good for the camera, but make no mistake, there are hard days ahead in the private life of David Letterman.

At least the world seems prepared to forgive Dave.  But healing the wounds of mistrust between him and his family will take time and cannot be repaired by celebrity status.  But if the man can fall down, get back up again AND learn something, well…maybe it’ll all work out in the end.